It happened when he was 6 or 7 years old. He never told anyone about it. But he never forgot it. And certainly, he believes, it has colored his life. And not exactly for the better.
Mathieu, in his late fifties, arranged to meet us at a Starbucks in Laval to confide. He’s “nervous,” he says straight off. And it seems. “I never told anyone that, it’s way too embarrassing!” he slips down. It was the early 1970s […], kid, it’s not about that stuff! »
But now, it’s time. “I’m turning 60, and I can’t believe this hasn’t happened to other people besides me. I have never read, seen or heard anything about it. So if it helps…”, he says, to justify this sudden need to speak.
Let’s talk about it. “It’s very simple, I lived with my parents and my cousin came to babysit…” She was twice his age and he remembers her in great detail. “We’re watching TV, sitting on the brown sofa. And she gropes me. »
Without warning, Mathieu bursts out laughing. “I had a lot more surprise than pleasure,” he explains. We understand that he did not understand at the time what was happening to him: “I’m surprised, I’m not moving, I don’t know what to do. […] And not just once. Several times ! Half a dozen times.
New surprise: a few years later, when he “woke up to sexuality”, as he says, Mathieu wanted to see her again. He laughs harder. “There, I understood, he explains, all smiles. And I made advances to him! Like, do you remember? How would you like it? Answer: negative. “She understood that it wasn’t right…”
And he, in hindsight, did he feel attacked? Mathieu regains his seriousness and takes a moment to answer. We guess the answer is not simple. “I felt uncomfortable,” he said. Assaulted: I didn’t know what that was. We will come back to this.
That, in addition to a complicated relationship with his father, whom he has tried all his life to be loved. But we are getting away from the subject (although not that much, you will see).
This is because sexuality subsequently took a very important place in his life, omnipresent in his head, almost omnipotent. As soon as a girl is interested in him, or vice versa, his only way to “validate” that interest is to have sex with her.
An example ? Mathieu is in CEGEP and is taking part in a play. There are two directors, four actresses. “My goal is to hit them all the gang,” he illustrates. Which it does, with one exception.
“I’m an outgoing guy, he continues, I have a nice circle of friends, girls come to me. But not one remains. What’s Wrong? ” Me ! answers our man without hesitation. I’m in too much of a hurry! That doesn’t make sense! I court very little, I consume, and that’s it! »
He thus “consumes” dozens of girls (“oh boy, maybe forty?”) until he is 22, before finally getting his first blonde. “And her, it was laborious, winning her over!” […] Maybe that’s why it lasted longer? »
The story lasts a while, she cheats on him, then Mathieu resumes his “merry-go-round”, multiplying his “adventures” without tail or head (or tomorrow). “I’ve done so much bullshit,” he confirms, recalling his whimsical trips to “get some ass” here, or “get laid” there. “But it took me that,” he recalls. The urgency of having this. An emergency linked to his history and all his memories, he insists.
And no, these adventures do not really satisfy him. “It’s like fast food,” he compares. It filled me with nothing. Emotionally, it was empty. »
At the end of his thirties, Mathieu ends up settling down, with a “flat on the end” girl in bed. Why exactly? “I wanted a family. And she seemed like a good mother. “Which she is,” he clarifies. Except, of course, I cheated on her…”
And “obviously” they left each other. Since then, Mathieu has met yet another woman, the last one in the running, in fact. It’s been over 10 years. When he meets her, he sees “stars”. “We communicate well, we like the same stuff, the sexuality is great. »
Clarification: The sexuality was awesome. Because, and now Mathieu surprises us again, “our sexuality is at zero today!” ” Zero ? “And I’m happy!” “, he adds. Thrilled ? We thought we had figured out the character, but we got it all wrong. “It’s so driven and polluted my life!” […] I don’t miss it at all! I’m so good, Silvia! Not having that pressure anymore! Until a few years ago I was a brat, you had to fuck all the time! »
But what happened? Several things, no doubt. Among other things, Mathieu suffered from depression. “I took medication and it never came back. But I’m quite happy! I can look a woman in the eye without always trying to see her cracked breasts. Damn that’s liberating! »
He has been confiding in himself for an hour and Mathieu has not finished surprising us. We dare to raise it with our famous question: was he assaulted, according to him? “I say no, but…yes,” he thought again. Yes, but… how would I phrase that? Yes, but I don’t blame him. […] I know it had a negative impact on my life, but I don’t blame anyone. You have to learn to manage. To forgive. Move on. Besides, he concludes, “that’s not what hurt me the most, but… but the lack of connection with my father!” »
The Marie-Vincent Foundation helps children and adolescents who are victims of violence. It helps to prevent sexual violence
Info-aide sexual violence offers listening, support and referrals for victims of sexual assault, sexual exploitation and any other form of sexual violence
Such. : 1 888 933-9007