He is a father, married to an “exceptional” woman with whom he nevertheless no longer has sex. So he dates gay men. Interview, explanations and regrets.
He is “that type of man,” Vincent wrote to us earlier this summer, following the testimony of a “gay man about married men” by a certain Jean-François*, meanwhile assumed, to both “shocked” and “troubled” by these meetings in the closet, and especially at repetition.
Our Vincent, a man in his mid-forties, arranged to meet us in a quaint café in his region to tell his story. Discreet, of the rather reserved type, we immediately understand that confidences are not exactly his thing. Nevertheless, he answers our questions kindly, albeit with a certain modesty, laughing here and there nervously.
His current spouse, the mother of his children, is also his very first girlfriend, he begins. They met in high school, then dated in CEGEP.
No, he was never really attracted to men. Or barely, he says. ” Not really. I remember very early on wanting a close friend, but it didn’t materialize. And that was in the realm of fantasy. » Full stop.
With his wife, in bed, it’s going “very well”, he continues. And this from the beginning. “We made love often, we had an extremely active sex life,” he confirms, laughing discreetly. And then we had children very early […], but it continued to go well. But obviously, as a parent, you kind of lose the beat in your sex life. »
He does not expand on the subject and rather takes a giant leap in time. Five years ago, at the turn of the forties, Vincent discovers, by borrowing his wife’s computer, that she is on a dating site. It’s the shock. “By accident, I discovered lots of conversations with other men. I was hit. And I still am…”
He “confronts” her that same evening and Madame “confesses” everything. But beware, Vincent does not hold it against him that much. “I felt partly guilty, he explains, I paid less attention to her. In my family, we’re not very…” He searches for his words here. Demonstrative? Vincent agrees: “She was looking for something that I was not able to offer her, he believes. The little touches. »
Still, the consequence is “regrettable”, he enigmatically declares:
Or how ? “It was that she said to me, ‘Do your experiments’, as I had known nothing else. And it is these experiences, one guesses, that Vincent regrets to this day. Because they kind of opened “a door” that he’s not sure he can close.
At the beginning, it should be specified, he did not seek at all to meet men. But rather women, for simple “adventures”. He saw a few, but nothing “out of the ordinary”. His couple lives, one suspects, a “tumultuous” time. They also try to register together on a site, to meet swingers. But the case turns out to be more complicated than it looks. “Finding the perfect match is not easy. When it clicks for one, it doesn’t for the other, and vice versa. “We were trying to spice up our life, but in the end it created more tension than anything else,” he blurts out.
Over time, Madame ends up abandoning the project. But not him. And quietly, almost naturally, Vincent begins to converse with men. “Because it’s easy,” he says. There is nothing complicated! »
And then ? Vincent doesn’t dare to be too “raw”, so he soberly summarizes: “I discovered a whole world. A “world” in terms of positions, places and frequency. In a motel, at lunchtime, or even after work, before going home for supper, he oscillates between meeting every other day (at the beginning) to a few times a month (today). If he has a few regular partners, he prefers “novelty”.
What does he get out of it? “The thrill,” Vincent replies without hesitation. The escape. […] With men, there is no future, there are no expectations. […] And it’s like a drug. »
Conversely, with women, “it’s so complicated to meet, I stopped that,” he laughs subtly. And then I have the impression that for a woman, there is not only the trip of the sexual encounter. For a woman, it takes a connection…”
Since then, he calls himself “bi”. “But it’s just for convenience. I am always attracted to women. And still attracted to my wife. »
Speaking of his wife, you should know that he no longer has the slightest intimacy with her, although it is not necessarily related. “She’s starting to love her body less,” he slips. Besides, does she know? Yes, she is vaguely aware. “At first I told her everything, but she was crying, she found it difficult. So, little by little, I closed myself. »
But, no, it is not “necessarily favorable”. As proof: “She would rather I quit. »
For his part, Vincent isn’t exactly happy about it either. He also went to consult. “It’s still pretty intense, my business,” he said. Is something wrong? Am I not normal? He also turned to Sexolics Anonymous. For almost two years, Vincent went to different meetings and even spent intensive weekends in a group. “But complete abstinence is very difficult […]. And I found that quite radical. […] It is almost impossible. »
So he left the group and resumed his activities with a vengeance. But he doesn’t feel any better. He is aware of it and he says it: Vincent carries a “cannonball”. “I have to find something else to flourish than that. It’s not sustainable in the long term. »
If he has regrets, dare we? “Part of me, yes,” he said. I regret because I don’t know if I will be able to resume my sex life with my wife. And I miss it. We have less intimacy, we have moved away, I would like to get closer, but neither of us is taking the steps. It’s annoying. It seems simple. But it’s not easy! »
Hence his round trips to the sites.
Hence his testimony, above all, in response to the famous story of Jean-François, “shocked”. “To answer sir, he said, there is a lot of frustration, I can feel it, and it is contaminating social networks. People find that there is foolishness on the sites. But above all there are people who suffer. Vincent knows it. It is.