He grew up in the “wool”, in a very “safe” environment, to come out of the closet without making waves. Since then, Nicolas has been flitting from man to man, because being in a relationship is probably too “complicated”. Explanations between two end-of-session assignments.
The young man, in his late twenties, wrote to us earlier in the fall, following the testimony of a certain Catherine*, a straight mother, who put literature at the service of her libido. “I like literature,” explains our interlocutor, finally met in December, in a cozy little café in the Plateau, full of students glued to their computers. “But erotic literature, I didn’t see that as a relevant genre. However, this text made me aware of that. » If he has delved into the genre since then? “Oh no, I’m not there yet,” he replies, laughing. I’m at the end of the session! »
“I discovered my homosexuality before discovering my sexuality,” begins Nicolas, who agreed to take a moment here to tell his story. It happens during adolescence, around 14 years old. He remembers it clearly: he’s in bed with his best friend and his girlfriend, and the three of them are playing “kissing.” “I really liked it! I must be bi, that’s clear. »
Bi? This is because several young people declare themselves “bis” in his entourage, then “retract”, he says with a laugh. ” Especially the girls. For what ? Because it’s trendy to be bi in secondary 2? I don’t know ! »
Still: “for me, it was perhaps more serious than the others,” he adds. It also takes him more time. Of course, girls don’t interest him, but he doesn’t assert himself until the following year either. He’s 15 and sees himself playing “truth or consequence.” We ask him his direction. Nicolas freezes. “I wasn’t completely accepted,” he analyzes. It left me speechless and uncomfortable. » Goes to show that the cozy environment is not enough. He goes to think for an hour in the bathroom, “goes a long way” and a few months after this episode, “it’s clear”, he says, he is “gay”.
And then ? It was finally in secondary four, at the age of 16, that he made his first friend, whom he met in a class. Some teamwork later and here they are “a couple”. “We slept together,” he continues, and by “sleep,” Nicolas means “foreplay, blowjobs, and everything.” Verdict? “I liked it, it was fun, happy. […] And we posted ourselves on Facebook from the first evening. We clicked “as a couple”! “, he said, smiling. We understand that things will get complicated in this regard later. He confirms: “It was a very safe environment. I grew up in cotton wool! It was in adulthood that it became more complicated…”
Their romance lasts a few weeks, then Nicolas spends two rather quiet years. Not easy to meet at that age: “I didn’t have the tools, I was a minor, Tinder didn’t exist yet. There was no momentum! »
It was finally at the age of 19, after a short meeting with a friend of a friend, then especially the appearance of the famous application, that Nicolas finally went for it. “I wanted to have sexual experiences! […] That summer, I must have had around fifteen partners. » He hasn’t stopped since.
“I wanted to have experiences and feel less alone,” he continues, with a confidence that we didn’t see coming. Because it doesn’t necessarily seem like it, but Nicolas is someone “alone in life,” he says here. “I’ve learned to tame it, but at 19 it’s more difficult. […] And then I have mental health problems. »
How does that help, exactly? “Fucks are more accessible than friends,” he answers candidly. Friends are not always available, although the pool of men who want to sleep with you is still large when you are a certain youth. That’s company! »
From whose “company” exactly? Guys his age, but often older men as well. “In my 30s or 40s. They loved my youth. » It was also at this age, and from an engineer, that he had “anal diversion”, among other pleasant “new discoveries”, he says.
“At a time when my self-esteem was low, microscopic, goldfish,” he continues, “sex does not bring healing, but relief. It valued me. Made me feel alive. And then it connected me with my body,” adds Nicolas, more of a cerebral type.
He cites a certain “prince”, met in his mid-twenties, with whom the connection was particularly strong. He also mentions a “great friend” who he flirted with for a few months too, most recently.
Note that these stories always remained at the flirting stage, read: non-exclusive. “The norm,” confirms Nicolas, “is that as long as you’re not in a relationship and you don’t say that you’re exclusive, by default, we continue to see other people. […] But I’m conservative, so I see other people, but I slow down. »
“Conservative” and a bit “romantic”, that means what does he dream of, in the end? “I would like a relationship of closeness, desire and warmth,” he summarizes. Being in a relationship, what? No, not a couple, he adds. “It’s so complicated, in my opinion, to be in a relationship! It’s taking on a mental load that I don’t have. I’m already having trouble staying healthy and progressing in my studies! » No, what he wants is more “dating, with a plus”. And he remains hopeful. He also leaves us with this luminous quote, quoted almost to perfection, from one of his favorite director’s films (Kings and Queen, Arnaud Desplechin, 2004): “We must always anticipate that, obviously we are right, but that it’s always possible that we’re a little wrong on top of that. […] This is very good news, it means that we do not already have the whole solution, and that life is going to be much more astonishing and full of surprises than we thought. »
