No more dreams of Prince Charming, Sarah* now wants to have more lovers. Five “sensual friendships”, she aims, and at the same time, bluntly. A wish formulated as a resolution, which is in fact the fruit of a long reflection, individual, feminist, and above all assumed. There she is.
“I felt really guilty about sexuality in my family,” begins our interlocutor, in her early forties, met virtually recently, due to COVID. Raised in France, as you might have guessed, she describes being called a “tease” by her father and grandmother, very young, and repeatedly. “I was pretty, I was attractive,” she remembers, “and instead of making others feel guilty, they made me feel guilty. »
An example ? “I was walking, people were looking at me, and they were saying to me: stop rolling your ass! »And this is undoubtedly where her feminist streak and her current project – sorry: her “experimentation”, as she says – was born. “The idea of having sex with five guys at the same time comes from there,” she confirms, in a testimony shared at high speed, in just an hour, like a long-thought-out story, certainly more theoretical than practical. , although visibly ripe.
Allow a slight digression. You should know that before getting to this point, Sarah also “screwed up” in bed for a long time. Take a dump ? “I never learned heteronormative codes,” she explains. So “the guy who takes charge, and the girl who has to be more passive”, very little for her. On the contrary: “I have always been rather strong-willed […], but I was made to feel guilty in bed. ” Again ? Sarah doesn’t really go into detail here, but we understand that when she took certain initiatives, the men she knew were always taken a little by surprise and in doing so they extinguished her momentum.
“Whoa! what are you doing ? “, he was often told. “And if I had any requests, they were never heard. » What kind of requests? We won’t really know, just that basically: “We didn’t meet our desires,” she sums up. So I stopped sleeping with him. » And thus died, slowly but surely, the sexuality of his couple. Of all his couples, from adolescence, to his entire thirties. Till today. “I’ve been in a relationship lots of times […], and all my relationships have been like this. »
Sarah was even married for 10 years and it didn’t change anything. Nothing ? “Me, I want an exchange, a growing desire. However, right in front of me is a guy who arrives and wants to spread me out on a table to fuck me doggy style, without foreplay, without exchange, without play! », she illustrates.
Has she ever talked about it with her partners? “There are some people you can’t talk to. »
But now, today, she is ready. More than ready, in fact. In her forties, Sarah, divorced for a few years, started dating, as they say in the language of Tinder. And she decided there was just one thing she wanted: “satisfying sex with men.” Certainly, she found some. But not necessarily in the “long term”.
“So I learned to accept seducers with their positives and negatives. » And this acceptance is decisive: these types who are indeed “super good at connection and at sensual games” are also “incapable of lasting the long term, she noted. Hence my idea of having five at the same time! » Do you follow the reasoning? “Well, maybe five is a lot,” she admits with a laugh, “let’s say three guys who are afraid of commitment, but are really good at connecting! »
There are also plenty of these kinds of “seducers,” she continues, on dating apps. “You see lots of people who say: I’m looking for a strong connection. And usually they are very good! But you can’t know if it’s going to last one night, one week, or two weeks. They want a connection, and then they panic. The idea is to maintain three or four! »
Because only one, she knows, and she risks falling back into this “dominated-dominant bond” trap. No thanks, she said: “Heteronormative reflexes of domination no longer tempt me,” she confirms. I want something friendly-sensual so as not to get into a couple where you are the other’s mom or dad. I don’t want a guy telling me what to do, and I don’t want to be his mother either. »
Sarah, obviously, now knows what she wants. Or rather what she no longer wants. “I want a respectful relationship […] where we push each other to grow, and sex is the fun! »
How, practically? : “not listening to a partner from a rhythm point of view,” she illustrates. As proof, Sarah, whose tongue is finally loosening here, has seen men “disband when you’re on top”, or even “pretend to perform cunnilingus,” she giggles. They know it’s good, but they don’t like it! »
“And that,” she intellectualizes, “is a lack of connection when you are in a consumer dynamic. »
What if his quest was one by default, dare we? Without having had a healthy and balanced relationship, does Sarah want to juggle several “sensual” relationships? Negative. “I try to create the life I want,” she retorts. Even if it doesn’t correspond to what society wants. »
Certainly, easier said than done. If Sarah has virtual conversations with a few men these days, she has not yet found the handful of “seducers” with whom she would like to continue the adventure. “It’s not easy to meet people who are open, who connect well,” she says. I have demands! I want the guys to give me something, I want to grow with it! » “Experiment” to follow, therefore.
